#7 - Notes On How To Win Friends and Influence People
Lessons and insights from a classic by Dale Carnegie
With over 16 million copies sold, it’s safe to say that Dale Carnegie’s classic How to Win Friends and Influence People has been and continues to be a significant contribution to the fields of self-help, human nature and psychology.
I recently read it.
The book is superb. However, as with any book, there are chapters/sections which you resonate with the most. For me, these were the sections on building bridges with people and winning people over to your points of view/way of thinking, as opposed to say, the section on leadership.
In this piece, I will share some lessons which I found most interesting. These are lessons which I hope to apply to my life, but also lessons which may bestow some value to you, the reader, as well.
Some of these lessons, as with many lessons, I have been exposed to before, just in a different form. This has led me to believe that to actually learn a lesson is different from merely understanding it. For instance, learning that you are screwing up in a particular domain of your life may only be learnt after repeating the same mistakes over and over, and exposing yourself to the harsh consequences in reality.
Somebody articulating that you are screwing up your life in a particular domain of your life is not the same. Making repeated mistakes in practice, is, in my view, a better way of learning. However, this is not to say that the use of language to articulate what you should/should not do is unhelpful. Quite the contrary. After all, understanding and acknowledging that you have an issue in the first place is the first step to resolving it.
Therefore, with this assumption in mind, I am in no place to presume that I will be able to apply these lessons to my life, and ultimately learn these lessons, immediately.
Perhaps you will be quicker on that front.
“Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are in business. Research done a few years ago uncovered a most important significant fact - about 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering - to personality and the ability to lead people.”
- Warren Buffet
Lessons below:
People matter more than you think.
One of the core lessons of this book is illustrated in the foreword by Warren Buffet. People matter. To many in the modern world now asking how to “stop caring what other people think”, this may come as difficult reading. Yet, this is why I love this book so much, because when I hear this question, it’s always asked in a manner to confer a benefit on the questioner. Carnegie orders us to flip this idea on its head, and double down on caring what other people think, just not in a way with your own self gain in mind.
And this is the crux of the issue. People asking how to stop caring what others think are usually, in my opinion, not thinking of others enough. Instead, they are thinking too much about their own public image/reputation. If these same individuals were to let go of the self-worth they attach to how people perceive them, and actually focus more on others rather than less, ironically, they wouldn’t need to worry so much about what other people think.
Carnegie’s message to focus more on others instead of paying more attention to your own needs is something many of us could listen to.
Praise more and stop criticising.
“Criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let’s realise that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return.”
As one of the first messages of the book, I regard it as one of the most important.
99% of the time, being overly critical is entirely counterproductive. In my limited experience, this approach almost certainly never works with people you have known for a long time, let alone those you have just met.
Nevertheless, I actually haven’t encountered many individuals who openly criticise others to their faces. Maybe we are more apathetic now, and have a lower tolerance threshold for discomfort resulting from confrontation. As an agreeable person myself, I can certainly relate to this idea.
Yet, implicit in this message is that whilst one should be reluctant to criticise, how often do we actually take the time out to praise somebody?
A commenter on Rob Henderson’s recent post How To Be A Better Conversationalist mentioned that the easiest way to strike up a conversation with somebody and subsequently build rapport is by “genuinely complimenting the other person”.
Notice that the compliment has to be sincere, but anyhow, I think we underestimate how much praising other people can do to facilitate our relationships with them.
Carnegie continues by stating that people are not “creatures of logic”. Instead, we are “creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity”. Therefore, it’s within our interests to appeal to this emotive side of the human being by utilising sincere praise, and resisting the urge to criticise.
Make people feel important.
Carnegie argues that the secret to dealing with people is to make them feel important. People crave this feeling, in his opinion, in all walks of life. He continues:
“History sparkles with amusing examples of famous people struggling for a feeling of importance. Even George Washington wanted to be called ‘His Mightiness, the President of the United States’; and Columbus pleaded for the ‘Admiral of the Ocean and Viceroy of India.’ Catherine the Great refused to open lettersthat were not addressed to ‘Her Imperial Majesty’; and Mrs Lincoln, in the White House, turned upon Mrs Grant like a tigress and shouted ‘How dare you be seated in my presence until I invite you.”
The idea that we should strive to make people feel important coincides nicely with the idea that giving sincere praise is productive to our relationships. Honest praise, whether through a compliment about one’s looks, fashion, personality or skills, will in turn spark a feeling of importance in that person. As Carnegie notes, this feeling of importance matters, regardless of who you are.
This, I think, is part of the reason why we feel so inferior when embarking on a new challenge. This could be starting a new job, joining a new sports team, or even endeavouring to socialise with a new friendship group. Initially in these settings, we have no social kudos. We are yet to prove ourselves not only to ourselves but to others, and we feel less important as a result. Inevitably, many of us don’t like this feeling.
Instead, Carnegie calls us to make the person feel important. In order to win friends and influence people, we should appeal to this “gnawing and unfaltering human hunger”. As he goes on to note, the notorious American lawyer Owen D. Young once said that “people who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them”.
Carnegie summarises:
“There is one all-important law in human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important.”
Be curious of other people
As I worked through the book, the theme that the other person matters more than you do was everpresent. If I were to summarise Carnegie’s advice, it would be that other people should take priority in your relationships.
Now, there are obviously caveats to this. The biblical phrase ‘do unto others as you would have others do unto you’ ought not to be read as ‘neglect your wellbeing’ or ‘be nice to people’. I think what it means, and what Carnegie’s message is therefore, is to treat others in the same manner as to how you expect to be treated yourself. This means not always telling the person what they want to hear (in an attempt to be ‘nice’), it means be honest and sincere in your approach to your relationship with them.
A good place to start, according to Carnegie, is to be curious of others. He stipulates:
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
I hear quite often from my friends and family as well as my own inner conscience - ‘why aren’t they talking to me?’ or ‘why aren’t they interested in me?’ etc. I think Carnegie would recoil at the thought of answering one of these questions. He posits that we should be the ones that lead with curiosity.
Jordan Peterson had some amusing advice on this. “If you find that the conversation you’re having with a person is boring, then you’re the boring one.”
Avoid Arguments
“There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument - and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.”
A consistent theme throughout the book is that we should strive to avoid conflict interpersonally. I am not sure I agree with this entirely (ironic), but the message from Carnegie is clear - conflict in the form of argument should be avoided.
This could bebecause it is hard to win a friend or influence another through an argument, particularly when you have just met.
This is evidenced on social media, especially on Twitter. On this platform, many spend large chunks of their day arguing over issues ranging from the most serious to the most trivial. But they argue. This would explain why many come off Twitter exhausted and unhappy with their experience. It is a platform which facilitates this type of behaviour.
I think you’re more likely to find an enemy on Twitter than find a friend.
Carnegie would likely condemn many of the interactions on Twitter. They are often emotional, and conflict-ridden.
Carnegie asks us to avoid these types of interactions if we want to have strong and healthy interpersonal relationships. He continues:
“You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it; you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes. He will resent your triumph.”
This echoes the argument of Benjamin Franklin, who made the point that “if you argue, you may achieve victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s goodwill”.
Arguments are lose-lose. Instead, Carnegie encourages us to strive to always see things from the other person’s point of view.
Admit your insufficiencies
“You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.”
At my young age, I am wrong regularly. The scale of my ignorance is pretty much self-evident aged 23. Nonetheless, I have witnessed first hand the value in admitting this ignorance.
In one of my successful training contract interviews with a law firm, I openly admitted that I wasn’t as competent with technology in comparison to another candidate. I think this went down quite well.
It really pays to admit sometimes that you’re wrong, ignorant or underdeveloped. Especially if you’re like me, and have a proclivity to be disagreeable.
Carnegie continues:
“There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.”
When you’re young, I think this can be a difficult skill to master. If you’re already quite a self-conscious person, you may be acutely aware of the level of your ignorance. Therefore, having the courage to continuously admit fault appears to be a daunting prospect. But as Carnegie states:
“Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most fools do - but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.”
It follows then that admitting one's mistakes can be liberating. It means you are content with being vulnerable and not preoccupied in worrying about how people perceive you. I know many read self-help books because they are too preoccupied with the opinions of others, but admitting, and more importantly being content with fault can alleviate this.
Again, Jordan Peterson has communicated a similar idea here.
Do less talking, but when you do talk, emphasise what you agree on.
I confess this is a lesson I ought to take more seriously.
When you consume so much, there is a constant urge to relay what you have learned to others. Look what I am doing now, albeit in written form rather than spoken.
Carnegie encourages us to talk less and listen more. He comments:
“Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.”
This is a classic sales trick. When the customer starts to talk a lot, shut up. This, however, could be applied to all our interactions. Less is often more when it comes to getting what you want. Listening is an underrated skill when it comes to being persuasive and winning others over. It may seem counterintuitive to not talk in order to be persuasive, but I think it’s true.
I remember someone saying to me that when you’re deadlocked in a negotiation, the party which starts talking again often loses.
However, there will be times when we are called to speak, and Carnegie argues that when this happens, we should follow the practices of Socrates:
“Socrates, ‘the gadfly of Athens,’ was one of the greatest philosophers the world has ever known….His whole technique, now called the ‘Socratic method,’ was based upon getting a ‘yes, yes’ response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses.”
Socrates prioritised agreement over disagreement. He looked for common ground, and clearly wanted conversations to go in positive directions.
The lesson Carnegie is trying to communicate here is that we should strive to do this if we want to not just win people over, but to have more positive interactions.
And that’s a wrap.
I would delve into the latter end of the book, but that is more focused on leadership, a concept which I am not too focused on at the moment.
Carnegie’s book has certainly had a profound impact on many people’s lives. It must be one of the most frequently cited works in the self-help space. I have no evidence for this, but just by observation, it seems to be very popular.
There seems to be a sort of snobbery around self-help. To me, it is philosophy articulated in more basic, practical prose. Resultantly, I think books like this can be very helpful to anyone embarking on a period of personal development.
I was initially reluctant to buy thes book because I thought it was very mainstream and gimmicky. The principles in the book came across as self-evident. However, on closer examination, you come to realise how scarcely you apply these principles in everyday life.
I hope writing this piece consolidates what I have learnt from the book and facilitates my ability to apply its principles further. But ultimately, I hope that by reading this piece, you have learnt something that you wouldn’t of if you hadn’t.