The Way of the Superior Man

Comments on David Deida's book

---

What does “superior“ mean? And how does one become “superior”?

These are questions which David Deida attempts to address in The Way of the Superior Man.

Whilst being a controversial book, it’s important that we don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. That is, to neglect to acknowledge the helpful points Deida makes because we take issue with some others. Ultimately, this book has a lot to offer with regard to advice on masculinity, femininity and your purpose in life.

Deida starts the book by affirming that you shouldn’t hope for “completion” in anything in life. As a human, you are a constant process of becoming. Thinking that you will eventually ‘complete’ suggests there will be a time when you can stop improving. This is misleading, yet many subconsciously believe it. And believing it will waste your time. Deida:

“Men who have lived significant lives are men who have never waited. Feel what you want to give most as a gift…and do what you can to give it today. Every moment waited is a moment wasted, and each wasted moment degrades your clarity of purpose.”

Discovering your “purpose” is a key theme throughout the book. Arguably, one of the book’s pitfalls is that the specifics of what “purpose” might mean is rarely discussed. You should strive for “psychological and spiritual freedom”, but the daily habits which contribute to achieving this are omitted. This, however, is commonplace for books of this kind. Sometimes, the most helpful advice comes in the form of what not to do rather than what to do.

In any case, Deida does a good job in describing what not to do - chase immediate gratification and validation from others. Instead, Deida encourages men to be polarizing - have strong views, pursue your interests, and live passionately in the face of Being. Success in relationships and your career won’t be achieved by being apathetic. You may think it will, but it won’t.

Another key theme of the book is the encouragement to lean into discomfort. You should embrace criticism from your partner, friends and family. At the same time, Deida also encourages you to act as if your parents aren’t living. This can seem paradoxical, but the core of Deida’s message is this:

Listen to others, take on board their feedback, but don’t be crippled by it to the extent that you’re too anxious to act.

Part of leaning into discomfort is communicating what you truly think. Deida encourages you to be polarizing. Apathy won’t cut it. This is particularly true when attracting a partner and building a relationship. Deida:

The false neutralization, or depolarization, of relationships is one of the main reasons that couples break up.

Deida goes further. Not only should you say what you think, but you should expose yourself to the darker parts of your psychology. This, paradoxically, will build trust in your relationship. It will also make you more trustworthy at work. Growing some teeth is an essential part of personal growth. Neglecting to do so will expose you to exploitation and build resentment.

Do not shy away from your desires. There will be times in your life when your desires and fantasies shock you. This is normal. Bringing these fantasies into conscious awareness, rather than suppressing them, is what you should strive to do.

Therefore, characteristic of Deida’s book is the promotion of the healthy use of the darker personality traits. To tell the truth, you have to embrace your disagreeable side and your sharper edge. Deida encourages you to lean into this. You must “know where you are, where you want to be, and what you need to do to get there”.

But whilst Deida communicates this message, he places equal value on the necessity for romance, love and attraction. For Deida, these ideas play a significant role in the “game of life”:

The game of life is to find each situation workable, to transform each occasion through the magnification of love, to give your fullest gift in every moment, and to have not attachments to the outcome, knowing it’s all going to rise and fall and rise again.

Both stubbornness and the romantic within you are therefore essential in the “game”. Life, for Deida, is finding the right balance between the two.

---

Towards the end of the book, Deida gets quirky. He discusses the bodily and sexual practices which will help you reconnect with your partner. Whilst some of this is interesting, it seems supplemental to the more significant messages of the book.

The main message is that men should never make their relationship the main feature, their main purpose, of their life.

This is sound advice.

Growing up, I have always found it interesting to watch the development of romantic relationships. In the heterosexual relationships that have deteriorated, most of the man’s focus is his wife/girlfriend.

As Deida communicates, this is a mistake on the part of men:

A woman sometimes seems to want to be the most important thing in her man’s life. However, if she is the most important thing, then she feels her man has made her the number one priority and is not fully dedicated or directed to divine growth and service. She will feel her man’s dependence on her for his happiness, and this will make her feel smothered by his neediness and clinging. A woman really wants her man to be totally dedicated to his highest purpose - and also to love her fully.

---

So what of The Way of the Superior Man?

The book is a book of hard-truths. Some of you might like that, some not.

It is a helpful book if you’re looking to rekindle the magic in your romantic relationship. It is also a helpful book if you’re single, and merely looking to grow as a person.

Some may find parts of the book offensive, but if you ca sidestep Deida’s sporadic provocative remarks, you might just find the book useful.

---