Why We Should Be Radically Honest
Excerpts and commentary from Anna Lembke
Honesty is important, but rarely are we told why.
Growing up, we are told to tell the truth - “it’s bad to lie, to deceive”.
The cynic would ask, why? Why is it important to play with a straight bat when I can manipulate people, society, the world, to conform to my selfish desires?
And speaking honestly, an answer to this question isn’t as easy as you might think.
Even though ‘selfishness’ is a frowned upon vice, we rarely ask why being selfish, and lying, is so bad for us.
But in today’s piece, I want to read you some quotes by author and neuroscientist Anna Lembke, who, speaking philosophically in her book Dopamine Nation, pitches why “radical honesty” is so important in the modern age. For every quote by Lembke, I provide some brief commentary.
“Every major religion and code of ethics has included honesty as essential to its moral teachings. All my patients who have achieved long-term recovery have relied on truth telling as critical for sustained mental and physical health. I too have become convinced that radical honesty is not just helpful for limiting compulsive overconsumption but also at the core of a life well lived.”
Refraining from using people instrumentally, which is the essence of lying, is often discouraged, but people regularly fail to acknowledge that the doctrine stemmed from the world’s oldest faiths. The truth will set you free is cited by many, particularly in the Western world, and this is central to the idea that the truth will liberate you from a mental rut. When people lie to others, lie to themselves, they deprive themselves of the freedom which comes from confronting life forthrightly. The lying becomes a repetitive habit, and the stack of repetitions confuse us, and we forget who we truly are. By telling the truth, the mentally unwell can rediscover their true self, their true beliefs, hence why it's liberating in a clinical setting.
“The average adult tells between 0.59 and 1.56 lies daily.”
To those that have everything, everything will be given. To those that have nothing, everything will be taken. To dovetail the idea that lying is a habit, the more you lie the more likely you are to lie. This is a profound realisation. Many cite the triviality of a lie when they tell one. It’s just a little white lie. But accepting the Matthew Principle will strongly incentivise one to act differently. If we all accepted that by lying once, it makes you more likely to lie twice, three times, four times etc, maybe we wouldn't make that first step. And it is no coincidence that the Matthew Principle, after all, is a deeply religious idea.
“Radical honesty promotes awareness of our actions. Second, it fosters human connections. Third, it leads to a truthful autobiography, which holds us accountable not just to our present but also to our future selves. Further, telling the truth is contagious.”
Vulnerability is a topic that always crops up in relation to modern dating. But this is the general public being meely mouthed. At its core, vulnerability is just honesty, and the idea that vulnerability (i.e. honesty), is a precursor to healthy, interpersonal relationships is nothing knew. Mark Manson has written about this. His book Models is essentially this idea morphed into 400 pages. When people crave that their partner is “more vulnerable”, unfortunately, they’re just inadvertently saying that their partner is a deceitful at worst, and reticent at best. As Manson argues in his book, radical honesty breeds attraction. And as Lembke points out, this will foster human connection. When you start telling the truth, your relationships will invariably profit.
“Recounting our experiences gives us mastery over them….honest disclosure brings our behavior into relief, allowing us in some cases to see it for the first time.”
This is very similar to a common clinical solution to write about your past experience. By doing so, you are coming to terms with the truth about yourself. And maybe, in due course, you can master yourself by bringing these experiences to the fore. You can learn lessons from the past, and discover where you went wrong, where you were stupid.
“Telling the truth draws people in, especially when we’re willing to expose our vulnerabilities. This is counterintuitive because we assume that unmasking the less desirable aspects of ourselves will drive people away. In fact, the opposite happens. People come closer. They see in our brokenness their own vulnerability and humanity. They are reassured that they are not alone in their doubts, fears and weaknesses.”
Seneca’s famous quote that we suffer more in our imagination than we do in reality is poignant here. When lying, what we’re essentially doing is talking to ourselves. We are saying that “if I tell the truth, X, Y, and Z will happen, and I won’t be able to tolerate it.” But have you even tried? And if not, how would you know? People are mistaken when they say they know who they are, a priori. You are far more resilient than you think (history’s a great example). And crucially, if you’re able to face up to the truth about yourself, about your flaws, people will warm to you.
“We as mental-health care providers have become so caught up in the practice of empathy that we’ve lost sight of the fact that empathy without accountability is a shortsighted attempt to relieve suffering. If the therapist and patient re-create a story in which the patient is a perpetual victim of forces beyond their control, chances are good that the patient will continue to be victimised.”
Empathy can be toxic. Particularly, as Lembke alludes to, when it isn’t accompanied by an encouraging word to do better next time. If we are a good friend, being sufficiently empathetic means being understanding of your friend’s suffering, but it also means looking into the future for them - for where they might encounter a similar situation, and discussing how they might react. In other words, empathy should be accompanied by the truth, accountability and responsibility. Suffering, hardship, is a part of life.
“We must suffer, suffer into truth” - Aeschylus
This is a darn sight better than suffering into falsehood. If the existential reality is that life is suffering, which it is, we have two choices. Either we suffer through falsehood, or we suffer optimally, with dignity, into truth.
On David Winnicott’s idea ‘the false self’: “the false self is a self-constructed persona in defence against intolerable external demands and stressors….the false self can lead to feelings of profound emptiness.”
David Winnicott has his finger on the pulse here. It’s why corporate life is so meaningless for many. We are constructing false personas in our 9-5s. But it’s also why it’s so important to have a culture which fosters individuality in business. By allowing people to express themselves truly and freely, you make the most of their potential. The dilemma is how we achieve this amongst the red tape and the social conventions.